I can't feel love

[aangelone1]

I'm suffering from anxiety right now and under a lot of stress. I'm in an international Long distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful, supporting boyfriend, who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a junior in college and I feel lost here...I don't feel comfortable in this school and I felt that way before I left for Australia, where I met my boyfriend. I especially don't feel that way now. I was so happy in Australia and felt extremely comfortable and welcomed. I felt like I could relax and be myself.

Flash forward to now being back home in Boston, I have daily anxiety...feel emotionally numb a lot of them time except for tears and frustrating emotions. I can't feel love for my boyfriend and I KNOW that I do. When we are together, I am calm, peaceful, and I feel whole. I don't have this anxiety like I do now. He knows I have all of this anxiety and I've explained it to him and he's still soo supportive and he's hanging in there with me, encouraging me constantly.

I get anxiety when I can't feel love because I start freaking out like "DWhat if I don't love my boyfriend? What does this mean..." It makes me want to crawl into a hole but I don't want to because I love him so much and I refuse to give up on the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I don't know how I got so lucky to find him.

I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, I haven't really talked to him but like 4 times since I've met my boyfriend...before I started dating my boyfriend when we were just friends. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff.  All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend so it's not like...he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" and I would try to make him feel better. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.

Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. like not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...etc."

I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety yesterday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him. It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.
Sorry this very long emotional rant.

I just started therapy and I try breathing techniques and binaural beats. They help a bit but I still feel like I'm emotionally numb and withdrawn from all the stress I've placed on myself.

[CleverScreenName]

I can understand some of where you're coming from, but not all of it. I'm a week away from my 33rd birthday, and I'm pretty sure I've never felt romantic love. I don't even really understand what people mean when they say they're "in love". I simply have no concept of such things. Sometimes I wonder if this means there's something wrong with me, and sometimes, yes, it's a source of anxiety.

I've more or less given up, though that doesn't mean I'm entirely without hope. You never know what the future holds. But if I never find out what it means to be on love, I'm okay with that. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll be a lifelong bachelor, and that's okay. I'll just seek satisfaction via other means.

This is not to say that I don't feel love at all. I love my family, and I love my friends. And sometimes I have sex female friends, and I do sincerely love them. I'm just not in love with them.

[terry]

i think you said it right at the end when you said "with all this stress that i put on myself". and i think that is what we all do except some of us can handle stress a lot better than others. i'm one of those people that everyone says to " i don't know how you stand it and i don't know how you deal with all of that etc. the thing is that apparently i do not handle and deal with things all that well because i have daily anxiety and i have panic attacks.

part of my personality has always been to be the nice guy so i let people get away with a lot of crap, along with that and some really sad things that have happened to me in the past few years. so i guess all of that is a recipe for disaster.

how long have you been back in boston and why did you go back if you love Australia so much and your boyfriend? it certainly not unusual to wonder about your relationship and worry about your thoughts while so far away from someone that you cared so much for. you are so far away from him now that your mind is playing tricks on you. if you loved him while you were there then you must still love him.

any possibility of going back over there? take care,
terry

[aangelone1]

I've been back in Boston for 2 months. I don't have a choice in the matter right now. I am in the end of my junior year at college. I met my boyfriend while studying abroad there. The long distance part would be until I graduate next May. I totally plan to move to Melbourne...not just because of my boyfriend but because I truly love the city and the culture and just feel like I belong. My dad has finally given me a blessing and support to go. Which helps a lot with stress because I didn't really know how to go for it alone, you know?

After going to counseling today, I've sort of realized that I put tougher restrictions and expectations on myself than everyone else in the world. Like, I feel guilty or like I am cheating on my boyfriend when a though of another guy, even an unromantic one, comes to my mind when both my boyfriend and I have talked about how it's absolutely normal to find other people we meet to be attractive, whether it be physically or emotionally in some way. I mean, of course we're going to have thoughts about other people from time to time...it's just a part of life. It happens. We can't control it. And yet...I try to stop myself for some reason. So of course, because I stop it...I think of it more, like my guy friend who I probably am fascinated by or have some sort of emotional connection to. But it;s like...ridiculous. I mean...I don't expect the anxious thoughts to go away right away after i've realized this but I will continue to work with it, you know?

This is the first real serious relationship I've been in (I'm 20, young but old enough I think) and the first time I've been in love. I guess I'm learning as I am going and it is more difficult as I don't know what to expect or whatever and the long distance does add a lot of stress on my life. The thing is...I KNOW I love him. It just seems like there's a disconnect between my head and my heart lately. Be it hormone levels or stress levels causing it...it's frustrating. The sort of emotional stunting or whatever that I'm experiencing has escalated as my stress has escalated. I just hope that as I sort out my issues and calm down with anxiety that I'll be able to feel more like myself and feel the full breadth of my emotions, just not the negative ones, you know?

Oh I know for a full fact that my mind is playing tricks on me. I also know that feelings of love, as strong as I feel for my boyfriend, just don't go away overnight which what I felt like happened as my anxiety got bad. I'll get it back again, I hope. I just want to start to feel again.

I still talk to my boyfriend every day and I still carry on as usual...there's just not always that extra twinge, like the warm, butterfly feeling which he gives me. I generally feel at peace, calm, and whole when I am with him so to be so upset, disrupted, and not whole right now I'm sure has something to do with it.

Apparently I don't deal with stress very well haha.

[VincentDegen]

There is a saying that I think holds very true for people like us who battle with anxiety: We are our own worst critics.

I know that for most of my life I have never liked myself mostly because of the expectations I had put on myself, my life, and my actions. I would always give other people slack when things went wrong, but never myself. It was as if I had to somehow prove to myself that I was a good person, but since my definition of what it would take to be one for myself was set so high that I never could like myself.

I am going to be 34 this year and though I have felt romantic attraction before I have not yet felt what I would consider pure love, love that is not tainted with a sense of need or dependency, on my part. But I have been learning to tell the difference between "need" and "love" in the last two years, a slow but rewarding process.

Aloha!

Marcus

[pippo]

I'm suffering from anxiety right now and under a lot of stress. I'm in an international Long distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful, supporting boyfriend, who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a junior in college and I feel lost here...I don't feel comfortable in this school and I felt that way before I left for Australia, where I met my boyfriend. I especially don't feel that way now. I was so happy in Australia and felt extremely comfortable and welcomed. I felt like I could relax and be myself.

Flash forward to now being back home in Boston, I have daily anxiety...feel emotionally numb a lot of them time except for tears and frustrating emotions. I can't feel love for my boyfriend and I KNOW that I do. When we are together, I am calm, peaceful, and I feel whole. I don't have this anxiety like I do now. He knows I have all of this anxiety and I've explained it to him and he's still soo supportive and he's hanging in there with me, encouraging me constantly.

I get anxiety when I can't feel love because I start freaking out like "DWhat if I don't love my boyfriend? What does this mean..." It makes me want to crawl into a hole but I don't want to because I love him so much and I refuse to give up on the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I don't know how I got so lucky to find him.

I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, I haven't really talked to him but like 4 times since I've met my boyfriend...before I started dating my boyfriend when we were just friends. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff.  All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend so it's not like...he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" and I would try to make him feel better. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.

Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. like not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...etc."

I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety yesterday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him. It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.
Sorry this very long emotional rant.

I just started therapy and I try breathing techniques and binaural beats. They help a bit but I still feel like I'm emotionally numb and withdrawn from all the stress I've placed on myself.

Can i just say i googled how i have once felt and your post came up. I clicked it and it was like reading what i went through 3 years ago. Everything is exactgly the same. My advice is hold in there. Ive been suffering from anxiety about a couple of different things now for 5 years but 3 years ago I had exactly the same type of anxiety with my GF and couldnt understand it because deep down i knew she was perfect for me. It felt like every time i turned the radio on there would be a song about falling out of love with someone! Even that triggered it.


I ended up getting over it. Probably took around a year. But i'm with her still now and very happy :)